Skeletons won't let me sleep

I gotta feel you in my bones again, I'm not over you.

2009-02-17T21:31:46Z

I can't wait for Vegas. All I want to do is save money, lay by a pool, breathe. I don't want to make friends. I don't want to make boyfriends. I want absolutely nothing but to run away. Boston, I love you but you got me down. Too many ex friends, too many ex lovers. This place is a mess for me right now. Who goes to Vegas to find quiet? I do. It probably won't work. I'll probably get caught up in all the same shit I always do. But at least I'll be going with the best of intentions. My heart is tired.

Maybe I'll start writing again... Maybe, maybe?

I'm sure in a year I'll return back here, it is my home after all. I just want a big pretty apartment with a yard and a pool and a frickin washer and dryer for cheaper than what I pay for my shit hole here. And make bank waitressing at one of the places on the strip. I already made a crazy rocker guy friend, he wants to hook up and party when I move there. That's soooo not what I wanted. But here we go again. Head first, into the deep end.

He keeps saying he's in love with me. I haven't told him yet I'm moving. I'm sure if he wants to continue I'll just make a trip back to Boston for a weekend every month, and he can come see me. There's a lot of money to be made there for two hustlers such as ourselves. But I can't be his right now. It's not in me. But if I was going to fall for someone it would be him, he's it. He calls me Goldie, we have so much fun together, he's always saying the most unusual and interesting things and yea he's a little crazy but so am I. And together we're electric. If I was going to fall in love with someone it would be you, but I can't right now. Don't ask why, it's a long story.

Kiss the way we were good bye, good bye and farewell.

2009-02-10T22:36:03Z

To say your phone call last night didn't throw me for a loop would be a lie. No it more like tore me limb from limb. B called twice, then texted "I miss you. You hate me." I was sleeping and it woke me up and I went back and forth if I should reply or go back to sleep but I ended up texting "You miss me? I'm sure you're just drunk & horny go find someone else i'm over it". He then texted me like paragraphs about how much he had fucked it all up and no one ever measures up to me and I'm everywhere, he sees me everywhere.

I didn't know what to say so I texted back "It could have gone one way but it didn't. It is what it is. Good night." Then he texted he needed to hear my voice. He called again. I lit a cigarette cause I needed on. Then I called him back. I wanted to cry before I even got any words out but I didn't. He lives in an apartment close by and he has an English Bulldog puppy named Jude. And he told me he loved me and he didn't know how to handle that. I told him some of what I wanted to say but not everything. Cause I was tired and my brain was spinning. I said if he wanted to meet up to talk I would this weekend.

What to do... I could just go on and not answer his calls again and pretend like that never happened. But the truth is every guy I've dated since him has been almost a copycat of him, like the same sort of appearance (shaved head, tattoos, muscular), some of the same mannerisms, but it's never quite right and it always falls short. When I met him it was like all sorts of collisions, two crazy people getting all tangled up in one another. He's only 21. God damn it. Stop haunting me. This bruised heart is already waving the white flag. You love me?

What's the use in that?

Vegas is still on the horizon. Fuck this fucking town & all your fucking friends. I might be running away but so what?

I came to L.A. to make rock and roll, on the way I had to sell my soul.

2009-01-16T03:49:58Z

VEGAS!

Next weekend.

We're going for three nights, arriving on Friday and leaving Monday. I can't hardly wait!! I already decided what dresses I'm taking and I bought a pair of really awesome skinny white jeans from Arden B. The only bummer is it will be in the 50s and 60s so no lounging poolside. Still beats Boston's single digits weather that's for sure. I CAN'T WAIT!

This weekend I'm supposed to hang with Andrew, blah blah blah. There's a good reggae fest going on Sat which I think I'll hit up. Blah blah blah. Whatever, everything this week is just a preface to VEGAS. I'm gonna try to not go that nuts with the partying, which for me just means to keep the drugs to a minimum. Cause I want to not feel like shit during the daytime, I'd actually like to get sleep and not be a complete mess the next day.

Hopefully that works. I think I have to ask my friend to help me. I don't have any damn willpower. It's like I see something, I want something, I do it. That's it. I'm a masochistic hedonist. I am selective in only making the wrong choices that feel good in the moment but suck in the long run. Especially when it comes to the men I choose. I prefer relationship self mutilation. Ha ha ha.

My little tornado, my little hurican oh. Last day of magic, where were you?

2009-01-04T23:46:05Z

Another night of no sleeping at all. Too much alcohol. Too much drugs. Sometimes I feel sort of lost. Other times I just feel happy that I'm giving myself this time to be crazy and stupid and young. I know in a year or two I'll start a career, real estate, something, but until then this sort of rapid fire progressive path to nothing really feels just fine.

My good friend is starting a job in real estate this month on Newbury St. She just turned 25. That seems like a good deadline to set for myself. I'm so proud of her. And then she said she'd help me get my feet wet in the business.

Well I passed over the 31 year old doctor with the loft on Newbury St and good sex because he was pretty boring. And now I'm dating a really hot 23 year old who works construction on the bridge. Just my type, all manly man but really secretly sweet, tattoos, short hair, cutest smile, muscular. But he's kind of special, I can tell already. When we met he kept saying I was making faces to seem sexy which I of course denied, cause really I don't even notice I'm doing that shit anymore, I'm just a very expressive person. Haha. That night he walked me to the stairs first then the elevator then just stood against the door staring at me and seeming like he didn't want me to go but he didn't know what to do so I said, "Well are you ever going to kiss me or what?" And he did.

I want to be someone's. But then again, I'm so happy being nobody's at all. Hum hum hum. I want to be everything and nothing all the fucking time. I drive myself up the wall.

Too late.

2008-12-24T02:54:26Z

Someone just wrote me the most beautiful/sad letter. Well email. It kind of resonated in a way I didn't expect. He's a really awkward, sweet, shy kind of guy and by all accounts we're just friends. Which to me means so much more than any kind of romantic thing. And he takes me seriously when a lot of people don't. But in his email he put this:

A few months ago, this writer, David Foster Wallace, committed suicide and I was listening to an old interview of his being replayed on the radio. It was from the mid-nineties, when he was a young writer, and he was saying, "When I was in my twenties, I looked around and all my friends were unhappy. It was hard to understand - we all had our health, our youth and, compared to how some people live in other parts of the world, we lived like kings - and yet everyone seemed dissatisfied with something."

I'll remember that for a very long time.

She's trashy, she's high class, she's celebrity.

2008-12-13T02:52:39Z

I want to ruin you in every way possibly.

Yea, I kinda am a bad person.

On lonely nights; I start to fade-

2008-12-11T17:55:56Z

It's hard to say what is going on anymore cause I hardly know myself...

I'm a transitional mode, looking without knowing what I'm looking for. It's the same thing constantly - work in the day, party at night. Rinse, repeat. I'm so.... restless. I'm supposed to go to Miami for a few photoshoots, bikini, etc. Then maybe I'll send them into FHM or Maxim or something. I mean, that will be at least some movement forward - or is that backwards? I hardly know anymore. Rinse, repeat.

What an I doing for New Years Eve? I can't even decide on that. Party, club, afterparty... I'm sure. Where's my passion? I can't find it. If I could just detach myself from me and look at myself objectively I'd think "What a clueless girl..."

Be still my soul.

2008-11-22T02:06:00Z

I want to eat the world tonight.

I think I will.

Monster girl on the loose.

I hate this part right here.

2008-11-13T23:52:48Z

So let me get this straight. You brag about having lots of one night stands. And hooking up with lots of guys. So guys sleep with you and then want nothing to do with you and that makes you feel good about yourself? Congrats on a long string of rejection, my dear. That doesn't make you a "player" that makes you a loser sweetheart.

And Brad and I are still together I guess. He's been going through some home difficulties, his dad has MS and has been in pretty poor health lately. But he sent me some very sweet texts yesterday so we'll see what happens. This time apart has kind of made it more clear for me that I really do like him. He's one of my best friends now and I miss him when he's not around, with his goofy humor and implusiveness and cute smile. He calls me Goldie and that stupid nickname is even growing on me. I don't know, I might actually be falling for this one. Scary shit.

Last night was pretty fun at Foundation. New York next weekend with my best friend Jazmine and Corey. We'll set that city on fire.

Shout when you want to get off the ride.

2008-11-07T15:22:34Z

I guess I had strep. It's almost gone now, the antibiotics kicked my butt though and make me so tired and out of it.

And I guess Brad and I are over? It's a question mark because I think we are but he hasn't said it. He was sick for two weeks and then now hasn't called in a week. And my text and calls are being ignored. So there we go. My trend will return. Of not caring about anyone but myself and money and the weekends of partying. I'm sort of... pissed. You tricked me into caring and you worked so hard to get me in the beginning. And now not even a word. Fuck you and all your fucking friends. And fuck your stupid smile. I hope you die in a fire.

My outfit for tonight is already planned - black skirt, black tank top with lots of cleavage, shiny metal belt, thick strap pumps, snake bangle, faux leather jacket. I just bought this new black dress with a really low v neckline that leads to a gold butterfly. I'm going to get it tailored very very short. I'm pissed off and I feel like crushing bones and hearts. If I see him I won't even say hi. I won't say anything at all.

This whole city can fuck itself.

Feeling like I know the words of a song I haven't wrote.

2008-10-30T00:17:52Z

Let's do it up, lollipop.

Halloween might be an amazing night. I'm dressing up as a sexy cop just so I can say this all night: "Hey mister, you violated a code 180. I'm taking you down to the station." We're going to The Draft which is just a local bar, then Rumor cause we reserved a table, and then Omar's spot 379 for afterparty. I haven't let Brad know what I'm going to be, I want to surprise him. He promised to go all out for Halloween, cause I want him to. Ha ha.

I'm all shades of infatuation over that one. I really shouldn't because he's 21 and kind of trouble. But I can tell he has an amazing heart and he cares about me a lot. He already said to me stone sober "That's ok, because I absolutely love you." And my reply? "..... Yea. I kinda like you I'll admit." Cold I know. But we've only been dating for a month! I'm not even his girlfriend yet! He needs to simmer with that "L" word. It kind of seems like cold hard death to any sort of relationship in my life.... But the sex is still amazing and the best of my life. Sigh.

Beyond all that boy crazyness - I am finally getting my apartment in order. The leather chair and bookshelf came in and my dad help me set up a closet for just my party dresses, cause I have about 50. And I found these amazing Audrey Hepburn art from a vintage shop, the frame is actually carved with "4 Sarah". They're beautiful. I am still just focused on making $$ and saving it. My bank account is fat and happy and I'm loving it.

I just wish... almost that I had never met him at all. Being the single girl always is wonderful. The crazy party girl with no attachments. I love that girl, the single me. It's so much safer. I get so much anxiety over any real relationship, it's the feeling of waiting for it to implode. Yea know?

Farewell my black balloon.

2008-10-14T14:14:52Z

He came to my apartment the other night covered in blood. From beating the crap out of some guys. This boy is all sorts of trouble. I had just stayed home Saturday night because none of my girls could go out and I called him twice and he never called back because his phone for some reason didn't have service. So around 1:30 I texted "Hi are u ok?" and then I went to bed because I have been sooo tired lately. My body is starting to let me know it can't keep up with me anymore I think.

Then he calls around 2:30 am to say he never got my calls but he got in a fight at the bar with these guys who told him to fuck off. He kinda kicked their ass because he wasn't hurt at all and anyway, he's 6'2 and pretty muscular. And he came over and I told him I was worried because I hadn't heard from him. I told him I like him a lot. And he said I was like the reward at the end of the night.

I don't know, he's the sweetest guy most of the time. Behind all that bullshit. He always makes me feel really special. But ... then I know he's also pretty much a scraper. We had a really good time on Friday and we kinda got in a fight over something stupid and he asked me to be his girlfriend and I was like "... No, no! That's not what this is about!!" Ha ha. Anyway I don't want him to ask me when we're stupid drunk and arguing.

And he got his first tattoo the other day.

I'll see where this all goes. He has a lot of good points. And heavens knows I'm kinda a mess too. Lately... I've been feeling strange. Just sad for some reason. Like this funny on the verge of crying for no reason vibe that I can't escape.

I can't love you & keep me too.

2008-10-10T03:50:05Z

Sorry. If I keep you as far away as possible. I really can't even help it anymore. It's out of my control. This way when it all goes wrong at least you can't fuck my whole life up.

You said you were scared of me. You think you're the only one sweetheart? I'm scared of this whole fucking business called relationships. So keep away.

Damn. My last cigarette is gone.

You've got a lovely way with words, must be the way you see the world.

2008-10-08T14:01:54Z

So. I'm kinda falling for this guy. We have a really good connection and he's so sweet, but he is definately very "man" and kinda a scraper and a badass. But he's always complementing me and telling me I'm perfect and he can't believe I'm interested in him. He's so cute and we really work so well. Also the sex is amazing. Ha ha. He said I'm really really good in bed and I'm like "Yea I know."

He's very clingy though, like if I go a day or two without calling he acts like I don't care. And he's 21. And his father has MS and is in a wheelchair so he always has to go help him like 50 times a day, including leaving my apartment at 6:30 in the morning. It means he also pretty much can't travel. He showed me a baby picture of him with his dad and he was the cutest baby ever and I told him he looked a lot like his dad. When we went to a bar later he looked at me and asked "So you think I look like my dad?" And I looked at him and his eyes were all glassy. It was so sad and... sweet. He's this big 6'2 tough guy that just really needs to be taken care of cause he takes care of everyone else.

Also all the little things that bothered me about him he's already talked about changing. Like getting a new car, getting an apartment in Boston, and I mentioned I like guys with tattoos and he already made an appointment to get one designed this week. Ha ha. Oh and he started going back to the gym yesterday. Whipped! Plus he said he's going to be a millionare by the time he's 25 and I don't doubt that, he's always on his game, running his business. I think he should open a bar in Boston, I'll mention it next time. And name it Ari. Ha ha ha.

But... being a full time girlfriend is so not for me, doll. I need my space and freedom. I might be a little too independent for him.. And he's said I'm not like any girl he's ever been with, probably cause I'm not one of those little 18 year olds he was messin with. Like I walk around naked, and smoke, and drink dirty martinis, and know exactly who I am, and I'm not jealous or insecure, and I never ever play dumb. I'm all woman, doll. ;)

Daddy, I'm so sorry. We just like to party.

2008-09-27T01:19:58Z

The 21 year old - B - is picking me up in an hour. To go to his friend's party. I already know this is going to be fucking hilarious. I'm wearing a dark purple mini dress with a cool twist at the bust that makes my boobs look amazing and silver pumps. No girl will like me there. Everyone will look at me like either I'm a tramp or an old bitch. Hopefully we end up some place fun like Omar's or Gypsy. Parties where I know no one are not that fun. Oh weellll I'll just get hammered and go smoke a lot.

But me and B get along really well. Like same humor. Same laid back personality. And. He's fucking gorgeous.

Will I sleep with him tonight?

Hmmm....

Possibly. It all depends.

And I need something more, to keep breathing for.

2008-09-25T02:43:34Z

That phone convo just reminded me of how much we don't have a connection. We never had a connection. I keep searching for one, a deeper meaning to the two years we spent living together. Why? I don't even know. Cause I'm dating someone and I'd never ever ever wanna go there with him again. But... I keep trying to extract some pearl of something semi-decent. And it ain't there. He'll never respect me, he'll never understand me, he'll never...

So there it is the end. And it makes me realize how much I have grown.

Roses, well I know we're both being used.

2008-09-22T18:01:23Z

Atlantic City was fun. Gambling, drinking all day, partying. But being in a casino kind of brings me down. It's a little depressing, all these people so zoned out, it's kind of a degenerate atmosphere. Oh well. This coming from the girl that's moving to Vegas in a year.

Found out Mr Money was sleeping with lots of girls. But on a whole other level that makes me want to vomit. Corey had her friend from Vegas up, this strung out looking ugly blonde bitch, and he took her to a hotel and fucked her and paid her $500 like two days after he saw me. I laughed when Corey told me because it's a whole other level of sleaze I'm not even used to. So... Saturday night rolled around. And he used to always just give me lots of free coke. So I texted I wanted to come over. Dressed in a short black mini dress and heels, I went over, he tried to kiss me and I pulled away. I gave him money for his shit and left. Ha ha ha ha. Dance for the fucking money, you ego-centeric dirt bag. I don't need your shit, you need me. He's been texting up the wall afterwards too. Go fuck yourself kid. This city is full of guys just like you, you don't even matter.

I had a bikini photoshoot on Sat. Kneeling in freezing cold water on a horribly cold day, for eight hours. I'm so sick now and I think that's why. But the pics came out amazing.

I met this guy Sat. It was after we went to Estate, we headed to Lucias' place. I took off my heels and I was dancing in barefeet and just feeling soooo good and I saw this guy and was like "You're hot just to let you know." Ha ha ha. This gorgeous boy, he owns a skate shop in Boston. I don't know, there's something about him that's special. But he's 21. So young. I told him, "You're 21, you're gorgeous, and you're in Boston. I'm sure you're having the time of your life." But he kind of seems genuine and like an old soul sorta. He drove me home, we made out, he called yesterday but I was sooo sick I didn't feel like doing anything. I'm gonna call him today and maybe we'll hang out sometime this week. Anyway.

Lately life seems really good.

He said "You're not an emotional kind of girl"

2008-09-15T23:59:45Z

Headed to Atlantic City for a few days, from Wed-Friday, with Cory. Partying, gambling, etc. Should be fun I think, I've never been.

Friday was crAzy. Cory's friend was down from Vegas, which whatever, she was too skinny and not that cute and looked like a crackwhore. Jazmine came out for me thank God. We ended up going our own way and Lucias took us all over to every club, he knows everyone. I didn't spend a dollar that whole night, free entry, free drinks, free drugs. Ha ha ha. Wow, I have the hook up. I ended up trying E, cause I never had before, I only took a half but it fucked me up. Never again. I went back with Steve to his place and I was INSANE. Like my brain wouldn't stop running at 1000 miles per hour. Like after we had sex he was ready to sleep and I couldn't and was acting really annoying.

I don't know what's the deal with him. We had a really good time together at Foxwoods and he said he missed me Sat but then the next morning he seemed different. I asked him if he was fucking other girls and he said no. He said he was seeing some Russian chick a few weeks ago but hadn't talked to her since he met me and didn't miss her. Truth? Lies? I don't know. Whatevs dude, if you're not serious about me then I'll just keep my options open too. He gets pissed when guys hit on me in front of him but he's not making me official. It's still new, we'll see how this one rolls, I'm not worried....

Beach photo shoot Sat. Yikes, better eat right this week cause my middle is a little thick right now. :/

$48 Mimosas

2008-09-07T05:28:21Z

Well I had that photo shoot last week, it went really well. The photographer was a sweetheart and respectful, he said I was a natural yadda yadda. I just sent some of the resulting pics into FHM to see what happens. They really did come out incredible, my boobs look sick. Ha ha. He just called today to see if I can do a photoshoot this month with a few other girls on the beach in bikinis. And I said of course. :) I figure if I'll be moving in a year to Miami and Cali where there are way more opportunities for glamour, swimsuit, lingerie models it's a good idea to work on my portfolio now.

Steven took me to Foxwoods Friday. It was sooooo fun. We went to Diddy's Black and White party, totally VIP cause Steven parties with the owners all the time. He said he partied with Diddy last time, which I'm not sure is true or not. We stayed at this PIMP suite, glass shower, whole nine yards. It's nice cause he pays for everything and always gets like the $100 wine bottle, fucking spa treatments, VIP. He told me as long as I'm with him he doesn't want to see me open my wallet for anything besides showing my ID. I could so get use to that. We basically partied all Friday night, got really really wasted, he proposed to me basically and said he wants to put me in a mansion and have 3 kids with me, haha, then we went to our rooms and passed out. Then the next morning sex and spa-ing, $48 dollar glasses of mimosas, fruit, napping for like 3 hours, shower sex, dinner, then home again. See. Slowly but surely I'm putting this kid on lock so bad. He's getting so whipped, he told me no other girl compares to me, and all that. And yes honey I know. But now you're gonna really know. See like physically he's not gorgeous, and he just turned 31. So he's old. As dirt. But for once I'm actually going for personality and the fact that we have crazy chemistry. Like from the moment I met him there was this weird feeling and.... oh yea cause he knows how to live. He wants to take me sky diving with him and to Vegas. I think I'm just gonna go along for the ride and have fun.

:)

lastyearstrendx @ 2008-09-02T00:41:00

2008-09-02T04:56:53Z

Well then. This weekend was massive and weird. Went to Shrine with Paulina on Sat which was cool. We kinda got in a big fight cause I kept leaving her on her own. But that was just after later in the night when I was way drunk and every time I looked over she was dancing with some new loser that had tried to hit on me a min before. I don't know, it's kinda annoying. But she's way insecure, and needs validation 24/7. Whatevs. In the fight she did say I think I'm perfect and I have no other friends which kinda hurts. Cause I mean I do have a few close girls and for a bit there she didn't have that many friends either before I came along. But oh well it's all good, it was just a stupid loud billigerant fight as we were stumbling to our cars.

Then Sunday Corey my girl invited me to this crazy party at her millionare playboy friend's house. It was such a gorgeous penthouse apartment with a bartender and koi fish and a hot tub on the balcony. Possibly the best ending to a summer, laying in a hot tub in your bra and panties with your friends staring out at a gorgeous Boston night skyline. I have to say, Corey is so fucking fly. She's just like me, got her own game going, saving her money. She said to me "I know I can handle anything. Anything that could come at me in life. I can handle anything." That's something I say allllll the time. Cause I fucking can. I handle my shit, thankyouverymuch. I love how fucking independent and cool she is.

But this is.... bad. Bad, bad. Bad. Cause there's this guy that's her friend, he's pretty cute, we got along and were just having fun. I hooked up with him last time and he's SO bent on me. He's been calling and I didn't call back. Nothing personal I'm just so focused on me. Then this time I saw him again we had crazy chemistry, all over each other in the hot tub. He's like "I will give you whatever you want, because all I want is you" and all that blah blah blah. But I can tell he's really into me, like he told all the other guys I was with him there because I heard them talking about it, and I know he's feeling me exclusively cause honestly... I know I'm exactly his type, looks and personality. And he has a big plan for himself, in one or two years he wants to have made it and be living the good life. But... he sells coke and does it a lot. And says I can have it free whenever I want. That's so fucking awful. I can't have that kind of 24/7 access, cause this could get out of hand. It might be happening already.

God. All the college kids are back, moving in with their Uhauls. Someone shoot me in the head.

I feel you calling me when I'm alone.

2008-08-18T05:31:55Z

I got into a screaming match with the ex. Yesterday. Straight white trash shit. Actually... euro trash since he's European. Ha ha.

ME: WELL I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING FRIEND!
J: WELL THEN WHAT ARE YOU? YOU'RE NOT MY GIRLFRIEND, YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND. YOU'RE A NOBODY.
ME: I DON'T CARE AT ALL! SO WHAT? YEA. I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING FRIEND!!

I can't even remember what it was over. He just keeps pushing to make us all cool and shit. In the 'girlfriend' zone, in the 'friend' zone and it's like no dude. You were a beast to me and yea I'll hang out with you occasionally, I'll even have sex with you if I feel like it. But you're not my friend. I have real friends. And lots of guys calling me every day so you're lucky I'm still in your life. Cause the smart side of me knows I shouldn't be. But I can't help it. Every time I'm with him on our own the chemistry is insane, and I know I'm the first girl he ever loved, the first to ever be in his heart, and his cousin told me he said "I think of her every day, all day, as soon as she leaves." Well I know one day you'll be great. You'll find someone who can put up with your shit (cause the money helps with that hahaha) and you'll have lots of restaurants and you'll be amazing. Not yet, you're still crazy and selfish and a big dick, and I don't really want to be anything to you but just there. And I don't want to ever be in a relationship with you again, girlfriend, friend, anything. Does that make sense?

Corey left town. I can't wait till she gets back, that international party girl. <3 My other friend ditched me Sat cause she's so fucking lame I can't even put into words. But when I see her she's fun, it's just so rare. And me and Paulina will be doing Pearl and Shrine soon. :)

You bring out the worst in me, and I like it baby.

2008-08-14T02:25:42Z

Well today a deranged desperate housewife molested my car completely and totally. I was getting off Mass Pike and onto the ramp for 95 north, when this crazy bitch who was zooming down the exit totally swiped my car, took the side mirror on the driver's side and fucked up my whole front and shit. I WAS SOOOO PISSED. My first accident in eight years. I've been driving in Boston for two years without an incident. And Martha Fucking Stewart from Pakipsee in her rented car nails me. Go figure.

On top of it because I was the one technically changing lanes I'm also technically at fault even though the bitch was speeding way too fast for that intersection of entrance ramps. I've been so gung ho on saving and I've started to have a lot in my savings. But this kinda fucks it up for me who knows how much.

I left work early because I was all fucking strung out with nerves and I went to take my dog for a walk down and around my block and not one but TWO idiots make stupid ass comments in my direction. Normally I get lots of people saying only nice things and even that can be kinda annoying but some pale ass bitch who I think never saw sunshine meowed at my dog and told her friend "That's not a dog, it's cat." Then some nerd guy goes "Oh I almost kicked that dog." Both times I just laughed really obnoxiously. Like fuck off. Does daddy and mommy pay for your leggings you little college dorks? Grow up.

It's just been that kinda day.

I can't decide whether I'll go to New York this Sat or not. Cause its gonna cost cash and now with my car all fucked up I can't be spending it on silly shit. But I feel like I want to just dance my ass off and waste away.

No Hurt, No Pain. I keep dreaming.

2008-08-05T00:07:33Z

I went out with my new friend Cory last weekend. She's 24 and owns her own boutique called Lint in Boston. She never went to college either, just traveled all over, California, Las Vegas, and saved her money. She's like what I hope to be, that's why I keep saving and not wasting my time on any more guys unless he's absolutely Mr Fucking Perfect on every level. Money money money. Working for that green. Independent and loving it. Anyway she's awesome. She's my new party girl in Boston. The night was insane, and I was half dead the next day but it was worth it. Just next time, not so much coke and not so much Patron, cause I hate the morning after and sleeping away an entire day. I think I was half naked in one part of the night...

We're gonna be trouble together, ha ha.

Ibiza Spain. Next!

There's a silence in the darkness.

2008-07-27T06:05:07Z

Well last night I went to 33.... Let's just say the drama found me. I had told my ex I was going with Paulina cause right now we were kinda being friends and I didn't think he'd come out anyway. Well he did. He got us right through the huge line cause he's all Mr VIP and shit. Then I borrowed a cigarette off him and then I got pissed cause Paulina acted like she was allergic to my smoke when she herself smokes sometimes and I was just like "What?" I hate when people change up their shit in front of other people to look a certain way. Just look how you fucking are. But I know I'm being overly bitchy. Ha ha. So I peaced from my ex huffily and we ran inside.

Free drinks. Some weirdass shots. Some funny people. At another point I ran up to my ex and we talked before I ran off again. Well then he comes over and goes "Ooooh Paulina is so hot!" All obviously hitting on her. TO FUCKING PISS ME OFF. And it worked... as annoying as that is. Because I lived with him for two years, loved him, in spite of the fact that he's a major asshole. So he continuely pissed me off even more. I flipped him off at one point. I got so drunk even more to blur shit out ya know. Paulina drove my car home. We crashed at my place. The Greek was out partying as well, he called and came to crash with me, we just cuddled cause I was so dead tired.

Today I didn't have to work but my ex kept calling and calling this morning so finally I picked up. And told him off. He said he did all that because I was ignoring him and I was the only reason he even came out to 33 that night. I told him to grow the fuck up. Cause you know, just because you're there doesn't mean I have to stay by your side all night. YOUR MY FUCKING EX. Anyway. I really told him off. He said I was right, he messed up, and that I'm the only girl that's ever been "inside his heart".

Whatever dude.

Men can suck my balls.

Who am I love? Who am I supposed to be?

2008-07-25T03:18:18Z

Tomorrow night will be crazy. Or so I've heard. Can't wait. I'm in love with this summer and it's almost over. How tragic. :(

I slept with the Greek after the 2nd date. It was... ok. Not the 4 hour amazing sex like I had with the Brazilian, but then again, what guy can compare to that? And he's really really sweet. He's the middle child between two sisters so I think it's canceled out his typical "Greek guy asshole" ways. And he cut off all his annoying Gotti spikes. So yea, I can work with this now. Gotta get his style a little more daring. But otherwise he's tall and tan and hot and sweet and has future goals. He also goes to Greece every summer & I want to go to Greece.

But right now we're just dating, nothing exclusive, and he is going to that new MGM Grand hotel at the casinos this weekend with his boys. And he is free to do as he pleases...... Cause so am I. Ha ha ha. I'm not scared of what he'll do. I'm scared of what I'll get into. Cause this girl is trouble. And sleeping with him was total game plan, cause now I'll be in his head and none of those other girls will compare. I bet a million on that. I made sure to walk around naked in front of him a lot. Ha ha ha ha. I'm like... the queen at making a guy whipped. I have way more game than any guy ever had. ;)

Play on playa.